Dog Gone Grief.

I hate this.

I've cried puddles nose to nose with my hurting dog for the last week as I have watched Maggie continue to slip down a slippery slope of one ailment after another. We're into our third week and things just keep getting worse. We went from ear infection, to the shakes, to not eating, to upset stomach, to labored breathing, to a nasty hot spot, to vomiting up water. She's eaten so very little in days. She won't take pills. She won't even take them if they are pulverized in a PBJ. She won't eat ice cream. She hasn't eaten even a whole can of dog food in what is probably almost a week. An eighth of a can maybe in a day.

Yesterday, I had an X-Ray done sure her lungs or some other organ would be riddled with cancer. To my relief, everything was clear, but the vet was concerned with her heart looking elevated. Her thoughts were perhaps a mass was lifting it. She noticed signs of pain in her spine. We scheduled an ultrasound to investigate the heart issue, and she sent me home with more "palatable" food she was sure Maggie would take to. No luck. Then last night I found a nasty huge hot spot on her tail (the only area not shaved) and rump. How could the vet miss that??? How did I miss that? It must have developed so quickly. Puss and everything. She was in so much pain when I tried to mend it.

After a 3:00am feeding with Faith, I heard Maggie gulping; trying to keep herself from puking. She was trembling (shivering?). All I could do was stroke her body, lay my robe over her, and try to get her to drink a little. She did. We just sat there. Together. Her cold nose in my lap. Trembling in the dark.

Today, I took her into her ultrasound. After just being at the vet yesterday, she did not want to come out of the car. I hugged her in the back seat and we had a long conversation. She with her eyes and her trembling, "Mommy, I don't want to go in again." And me trying to coax her that it was ok. I told her I would stay with her. But I was wrong. I had to drop her off. All I could do was walk her back, and feel like a traitor as I watched her get in a cage and look back at me.

Stupid grief.

Here's the worst: We're supposed to go on a very much needed two week vacation starting on Saturday. It has been planned for months. Maggie can't come. No dogs allowed. If it was just us, we'd cancel. But it is with both sides of the family. How can I leave her like this? How can I leave this on my sister-in-law's shoulders? There are so many levels of unfairness in this, I don't know where to start.

I have to keep my anger in check. I don't want to be the martyr. But I feel alone in my grief and helplessness. The children are clueless (thankfully). The baby doesn't stop her needs. And Ken has his stuff as we try to prepare to leave for a vacation I no longer want to take.