Our worst fears came true this afternoon. Ken so graciously took Maggie in for a second opinion, and the lab results were crushing. Maggie is dying of kidney failure. Deramaxx was her friend and in the end, her foe. The numbers were stunningly high, and the veterinarian surmised that based on the numbers, her kidneys have been reduced to 25% of their functionality. She's vomiting almost every hour now, but always willing to please, she still manages to give a tail wag to let us know she's with us.
It's over. My hope is gone. She's going home. My sweet, sweet, girl.
Tonight we are huddled together on the floor in the green room to spend one last night like the ol' days when it was just Ken, myself, and our special girl. The Nora Jones CD is playing a lonesome but peaceful tune, and for a short moment, everything seems as it was in days long past. Except for the first time ever, she isn't staring me down for a love offering from my bag of popcorn.
Her stomach was always her sweet spot. In her youth, she once ate a half pound of M&M's from out of the trash, which sent her into a crazied euphoric sugar high that had her leaping over beds and couches in a single reckless bound. Until as of late, she became a bit more of a dare devil in her older age, swiping unattended sandwiches off the kitchen table. She knew she could always count on me for popcorn hand outs and the last piece of my pizza crust. And she was forever my faithful dishwasher helper...I loaded and she made sure to give all of the plates a hearty pre-rinse.
It burns my heart to know that she won't be able to accept a final dream spread of all of her favorite treats. She'll be going home on a very sore and empty belly. And that just doesn't seem fair. I'm miserable. She's miserable. Ken's dug half of her burial hole tonight, and he's miserable.
Tonight, misery loves company.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
The Dog Days of Summer
How many tears can one shed over a family dog? Our ol' girl is in such a bad way. Her bounce back over chicken has gone and left. And we've tried to pull her out of what appears to be a dark depression. We're back to vomiting, not eating a lick, and the tremors. This morning, she lost control of her bladder.
Her eyes tell me she's ready to begin her walk toward Glory. I'm not so sure I'm ready for it though. I wish I knew how to help her. How to best comfort her as she prepares for this journey. For some reason we've been kept in the dark on what ails her so, since all of the tests came back showing nothing. This would be slightly easier if I knew she was riddled with disease.
I've prayed over her, spent hours at her side, and asked the good Lord above to shower her with His warm lovingkindness and gently take her home. It is so hard to pray that kind of prayer. The miracle believer in me still holds a white knuckle grip on faith that the Lord will restore her back to health if it is His will. The very idea of euthanizing her is paralyzing. The last thing I want to do is drag her once more to the vet to lay in a cold sterile unfamiliar room. I want her to be surrounded by the warmth of home. Both sides of the coin feel cruel.
The tears just keep flowing fresh...
This is definitely not an eye makeup day. Blah.
Her eyes tell me she's ready to begin her walk toward Glory. I'm not so sure I'm ready for it though. I wish I knew how to help her. How to best comfort her as she prepares for this journey. For some reason we've been kept in the dark on what ails her so, since all of the tests came back showing nothing. This would be slightly easier if I knew she was riddled with disease.
I've prayed over her, spent hours at her side, and asked the good Lord above to shower her with His warm lovingkindness and gently take her home. It is so hard to pray that kind of prayer. The miracle believer in me still holds a white knuckle grip on faith that the Lord will restore her back to health if it is His will. The very idea of euthanizing her is paralyzing. The last thing I want to do is drag her once more to the vet to lay in a cold sterile unfamiliar room. I want her to be surrounded by the warmth of home. Both sides of the coin feel cruel.
The tears just keep flowing fresh...
This is definitely not an eye makeup day. Blah.
Monday, June 26, 2006
What A Good Man Does
I could kiss the ground he walks on right now. Always could, but this week, takes the cake. What a good man does for his homeschooling wife is give her more closet space!! My wonderful husband could have been doing so many other things this weekend, but instead he spent two days going to three Home Depot stores, buying and putting together organizers in the two closets we have in the school room. He even retouched up the paint on the walls. My hero.
I never knew how excited I could be over organized closet space. For the last 6 months I have been feeling so defeated about trying to organize the room as we dive deeper into our studies. Half the problem is that it is also our playroom, but it needs to be since there are no other options. And after each term there is just more stuff. When I felt like I couldn't take the disaster zone anymore, I'd go on a cleaning binge but always get only so far before getting stuck with where to get things to go. It is true we need to do a Goodwill run, but much of the new stuff is school related -- microscope, slides, butterfly spreader, resin molds, music and art supplies, lots of books.
So I have a toy closet AND a school closet. Today will hopefully be the last day of putting things away, and then I promise pictures. Thank you sweetie!!!!
I never knew how excited I could be over organized closet space. For the last 6 months I have been feeling so defeated about trying to organize the room as we dive deeper into our studies. Half the problem is that it is also our playroom, but it needs to be since there are no other options. And after each term there is just more stuff. When I felt like I couldn't take the disaster zone anymore, I'd go on a cleaning binge but always get only so far before getting stuck with where to get things to go. It is true we need to do a Goodwill run, but much of the new stuff is school related -- microscope, slides, butterfly spreader, resin molds, music and art supplies, lots of books.
So I have a toy closet AND a school closet. Today will hopefully be the last day of putting things away, and then I promise pictures. Thank you sweetie!!!!
Saturday, June 24, 2006
I'm So Tired.
I know this is horrible of me to blog about, just coming off of a vacation and all, but it is so true. Truth is, nursing gets to be very hard on my body at about five months. I remember feeling like a walking skeleton after 8 months of nursing Grace. I'm a few pounds shy of my pre-pregnancy weight, and while this is great news in some respects, I can feel my body beginning the desperate search for reserves. And then there are the hot flashes, and the loss of hair in biblical drain clogging proportions as my body goes through pregnancy withdrawal. This past week, I feel like I have aged by 10 years. It is the hardest it has ever been for me to wake up and start the day. As soon as my feet hit the ground they feel like they have been walking all night. My shoulders ache and my eyes refuse to let the light in. Meanwhile, Faith is ready to hit the ground running with her toothless grin, and froggy kick. God bless her.
This past week, Faith has decided to be an early riser, speedy napper, and a night owl. It is nine by the time she feels like turning in. And I am SO SPENT! Faith, is still waking up for at least one night time feeding, which isn't helping the recouping, but her smile certainly helps to ease getting through the morning sludge.
I'm trying to keep things in perspective knowing that 5-8 months is the hardest haul for me physically with childrearing. It won't always be like this. I'm passing the time this week daydreaming about starting my little girl on solids soon. And as if I'm not already crazy enough, I'm leaning toward making my own baby food for the first time. I must be nuts.
I guess the only other thing I need to start doing to be in the same place as the "far righters" and ironically the "far lefters" is begin cloth diapering. Don't hold your breath...
I can still remember the stomach turning smell of the diaper pail in the nursery from my childhood. (Nothing can undo that horrible olfactory memory ingrained in my brain cells.) I'll stop at the homemade baby food, thank you very much. That's as gran-nutty as I get.
Where To Go From Here
Note to self...don't start a seedling project in the Georgia heat with plans to go on vacation for two weeks. This WAS going to be part of our seed and germination nature study, but our babies got more than fried during our absence. Goodbye pink and purple zinnias. Goodbye cosmos. Goodbye pumpkins and carrots. Grace and I had even transplanted a number of cosmos seedlings into the ground before our trip which have since withered to dust. Water restrictions from lack of rain already have me second guessing our nature study for the summer! However, since I allowed the kids to select their nature study for the first time, I can't put a nix on the entire thing. We'll chin up, and try again with our left over peat pots and seeds.
The good news is that Dad and Grace beat the summer heat by planting 6 sunflower seeds from our bird seed in early summer. These have since been transplanted twice and are about three feet tall and doing well despite the lack of rain. These are also quite special since Dad was such a willing and encouraging participant.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Goggle Boy
This has to be one of my favorite photos from the beach trip. It makes me laugh every time I see it. The prelude to this photo is that Jack was sitting in a blow up raft boat while Dad stood beside the boat holding it steady...until a large wave hit just right to launch Jack completely out of the boat and into the sand.
This is my son expressing a full range of emotions including: embarrassment, frustration, feelings of failure, exhaustion, and whatever emotions a hearty cup full of sand in the board shorts generate.
This is my son expressing a full range of emotions including: embarrassment, frustration, feelings of failure, exhaustion, and whatever emotions a hearty cup full of sand in the board shorts generate.
Vacation! Vacation?
If I could sum up our vacation in two words, the title would be perfect. I'm a "glass is half full" girl, but I have been trying really hard focus on all of the wonderful good that our vacation generated. The first part of our vacation was spent with Ken's family in an unbelievable beach house just off the coast in Nags Head, NC. We had the beach, house pool, and hot tub just outside our door. I couldn't have asked for anything beach-ier. Mr. Alberto did drop a boat load of rain and wind in the middle of the week, but after the storm had passed the waves were perfect for boogie boarding for the next few days.
The company was excellent. The food was divine. I was deep into a good book. Faith was loving the new scenery and faces. Grace and Jack were well behaved and cheery children. All of the cousins got along so well. We had three babies under the age of 18 months in the house, and at times we joked that we were residing in a church nursery. The babies were a new joy to have around as they were but an inkling in the 2004 Beach Trip.
Where the vacation breaks down, is that a few days into the vacation a little bug started flying around. Just a fever, and a sore throat. A few cousins caught it. A couple of adults were battling a different kind of bug. I myself had spent a couple of hours in the bathroom in the middle of one night a hair away from losing all of my cookies, but I attributed it to a very spicy crab cake. As we packed up the car to head to Florida for my family's side of the vacation, I couldn't believe we had survived the bout with illness. Our kids had been unscathed. This I had immediately attributed to only the Grace of God. We actually have a name for a curse that appears to be on our household over the last five years...as every time we go on a vacation we get some gut wrenching illness that spreads like wildfire.
So we hopped in the car and headed to Kissimee, Florida. Deciding to divide the ride up into two days, we settled in Savannah. The curse...followed. That night, Faith came down with a 102 temperature, and congestion. She was a furnace and it was a miserable night for her. Jack reacted to the mite infested sofa bed and needed a breathing treatment in the morning. We hadn't escaped. I had no idea what our week would have in store. It could have been just the beginning. It was also Faith's first illness (not vaccination induced).
I felt like an absolute heel that morning. I had to tell the children, we had to double back home. No Disney World. No Sea World. No Grandpa. I had to call my father on Father's Day, of all days, and tell him we wouldn't be coming down for the week. And my little girl had to endure more hours in a car, with a sky rocket temperature. I felt like I had been wrapped up in a blanket of guilt.
The children took it so well. They really did. I was so proud of them. They were disappointed, but I had ignorance on my side, as they had never been to Disney World or Sea World before, so they had no idea exactly what they were missing. Faith endured her high temps without medicine (meds make her puke) and the fever broke the following night. She still has the nose stuff, but the wee one is feeling much better.
So we're home. I feel rested. I've been able to find the blessing in that the Lord allowed our family to go completely untouched for the first week so that we could truly relax. I've come home to my favorite flowers (scarlet bee balm) blooming in the garden that I thought I would miss during my absence. I have to believe that there was a reason we had to come home a week early. The Lord wanted us back home. And here we are. After all of it, vacation and missed vacation, it feels good to be home.
The company was excellent. The food was divine. I was deep into a good book. Faith was loving the new scenery and faces. Grace and Jack were well behaved and cheery children. All of the cousins got along so well. We had three babies under the age of 18 months in the house, and at times we joked that we were residing in a church nursery. The babies were a new joy to have around as they were but an inkling in the 2004 Beach Trip.
Where the vacation breaks down, is that a few days into the vacation a little bug started flying around. Just a fever, and a sore throat. A few cousins caught it. A couple of adults were battling a different kind of bug. I myself had spent a couple of hours in the bathroom in the middle of one night a hair away from losing all of my cookies, but I attributed it to a very spicy crab cake. As we packed up the car to head to Florida for my family's side of the vacation, I couldn't believe we had survived the bout with illness. Our kids had been unscathed. This I had immediately attributed to only the Grace of God. We actually have a name for a curse that appears to be on our household over the last five years...as every time we go on a vacation we get some gut wrenching illness that spreads like wildfire.
So we hopped in the car and headed to Kissimee, Florida. Deciding to divide the ride up into two days, we settled in Savannah. The curse...followed. That night, Faith came down with a 102 temperature, and congestion. She was a furnace and it was a miserable night for her. Jack reacted to the mite infested sofa bed and needed a breathing treatment in the morning. We hadn't escaped. I had no idea what our week would have in store. It could have been just the beginning. It was also Faith's first illness (not vaccination induced).
I felt like an absolute heel that morning. I had to tell the children, we had to double back home. No Disney World. No Sea World. No Grandpa. I had to call my father on Father's Day, of all days, and tell him we wouldn't be coming down for the week. And my little girl had to endure more hours in a car, with a sky rocket temperature. I felt like I had been wrapped up in a blanket of guilt.
The children took it so well. They really did. I was so proud of them. They were disappointed, but I had ignorance on my side, as they had never been to Disney World or Sea World before, so they had no idea exactly what they were missing. Faith endured her high temps without medicine (meds make her puke) and the fever broke the following night. She still has the nose stuff, but the wee one is feeling much better.
So we're home. I feel rested. I've been able to find the blessing in that the Lord allowed our family to go completely untouched for the first week so that we could truly relax. I've come home to my favorite flowers (scarlet bee balm) blooming in the garden that I thought I would miss during my absence. I have to believe that there was a reason we had to come home a week early. The Lord wanted us back home. And here we are. After all of it, vacation and missed vacation, it feels good to be home.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Friday Wrap Up
I feel like I have a thousand little loose ends to tie before leaving on this two week vacation. I've a bunch of cliff hangers from this week on the blog too, so here they are:
The cyst burst this week....lovely. But at least I know it is a cyst based on its contents. (I hope you've already eaten.) Unfortunately, I wasn't able to squeeze it back to normalcy. Ok, now you're gagging. But it looks better, and I shouldn't be as self conscious on the beach (minus the skin hanging from various locations.)
Which reminds me. I wasn't able to stick with my workout program as my knees became incredibly tender from the running. I did stick to including a yogurt a day in my diet. The working out I did, must have jostled my metabolism, as it moved me past my plateau weight, and as of today, I am one pound away from my goal nursing weight. I'm very tickled about that. Nursing has its perks --- well, until you stop nursing, and then those other super perky things, shrink to almost invisible.
Ok...moving on to the three moles I had removed. Guess what? Two of them really needed to be removed according to the test results. Mild dysplastic nevi. Nothing super serious, but considered pre-cancerous. So after vacation, I scoot back in for the doctor to take two more deeper chunks out of my skin to make sure they got everything. Not so glad about the holes in my body, but I'm glad I went in.
Maggie. My sweet fiddle player, has a giant scab over half of her tail as it mends. And she has managed to clear out almost every piece of chicken in the fridge. She's doing much better, but continues to boycott all pills. I can't tell you how thankful I am for her recovery, and now the sighting of those giant tail wags again.
Now...drum roll please....WE GOT THE TOURING ODYSSEY!!!! I lurve it!!! Sagebrush exterior, black and tan interior. It is SWEET!!! I was poking around in it with Ken at midnight last night, and it felt like we were sitting in an airplane with all of the nifty controls and lighting. Ken already admitted that he enjoyed smoking another car off of a light change on the way home. (How ridiculous are we?).
Lastly, my baby girl slept through the night. And as of 10:00am, she's still snoozing. Whoo! Hooo!! Poor girl must have been so worn out from car shopping. I couldn't have asked for a better little shopper yesterday.
And so, the rest of my day is a frazzled mess of last minute errands and packing. The kids are so excited they are almost down to counting hours. This family has so needed this vacation. As anyone who owns a business knows, vacations are so rare. So are true weekends. Ken and I were just discussing yesterday, that if it was just us, we would have canceled already. The downside of owning your own business or in our case businesses, is that working never ends. It has been too long. I thank the good Lord that we have a small gaggle of kids to force us on a vacation, or we'd really be boring sticks in the mud.
It's a happy day. :)
The cyst burst this week....lovely. But at least I know it is a cyst based on its contents. (I hope you've already eaten.) Unfortunately, I wasn't able to squeeze it back to normalcy. Ok, now you're gagging. But it looks better, and I shouldn't be as self conscious on the beach (minus the skin hanging from various locations.)
Which reminds me. I wasn't able to stick with my workout program as my knees became incredibly tender from the running. I did stick to including a yogurt a day in my diet. The working out I did, must have jostled my metabolism, as it moved me past my plateau weight, and as of today, I am one pound away from my goal nursing weight. I'm very tickled about that. Nursing has its perks --- well, until you stop nursing, and then those other super perky things, shrink to almost invisible.
Ok...moving on to the three moles I had removed. Guess what? Two of them really needed to be removed according to the test results. Mild dysplastic nevi. Nothing super serious, but considered pre-cancerous. So after vacation, I scoot back in for the doctor to take two more deeper chunks out of my skin to make sure they got everything. Not so glad about the holes in my body, but I'm glad I went in.
Maggie. My sweet fiddle player, has a giant scab over half of her tail as it mends. And she has managed to clear out almost every piece of chicken in the fridge. She's doing much better, but continues to boycott all pills. I can't tell you how thankful I am for her recovery, and now the sighting of those giant tail wags again.
Now...drum roll please....WE GOT THE TOURING ODYSSEY!!!! I lurve it!!! Sagebrush exterior, black and tan interior. It is SWEET!!! I was poking around in it with Ken at midnight last night, and it felt like we were sitting in an airplane with all of the nifty controls and lighting. Ken already admitted that he enjoyed smoking another car off of a light change on the way home. (How ridiculous are we?).
Lastly, my baby girl slept through the night. And as of 10:00am, she's still snoozing. Whoo! Hooo!! Poor girl must have been so worn out from car shopping. I couldn't have asked for a better little shopper yesterday.
And so, the rest of my day is a frazzled mess of last minute errands and packing. The kids are so excited they are almost down to counting hours. This family has so needed this vacation. As anyone who owns a business knows, vacations are so rare. So are true weekends. Ken and I were just discussing yesterday, that if it was just us, we would have canceled already. The downside of owning your own business or in our case businesses, is that working never ends. It has been too long. I thank the good Lord that we have a small gaggle of kids to force us on a vacation, or we'd really be boring sticks in the mud.
It's a happy day. :)
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
When Things Were Simple
I was going through some pictures tonight and this one made me smile and my heart ache. That's me. My grandfather's on my right, and my grandmother is on my left. I was their first grandchild. We all look so happy. And tan.Faith is just entering the stage where she tries to grab your nose and take it off for a closer look. But I still have the silver bells on the shoes to look forward to.
Right now I feel baptized in molasses with motherhood. I can't even begin to imagine grandmotherhood. What is it like to hold the child of your child? It must be incredible.
I really miss her.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Toyota Sienna, Honda Odyssey Or Amish Buggy
We are actually going to succumb to the inevitable. It is time. I so wish for an alternative, but short of a houseboat on wheels, there is none.
I have to admit, the minivans are quite nice these days. They practically bake fresh bread. I just have a super aversion to them, as it was what I trained on for my driver's permit. And, yes, it was "my ride" if I was ever lucky enough to figure out more than 10 reasons why I needed to take the only family car and drive 30 minutes toward civilization.
It may also have something to do with the fact that on my way home from failing my driver's test, in my first a fit of road rage I thought I could pass a team of horses pulling an Amish buggy around a curve, closed in by 3-4 foot snow banks. I got side by side with the buggy, in time to see another driver hugging the corner a little too fast in the lane I was using to pass. Did I mention the snow banks? It could have been super ugly with horse flesh everywhere. Instead, I managed to gun it, with my mother helplessly screaming a prayer to God in the passenger seat, and the dude went into the snowbank to avoid collision. Aren't you thankful I didn't pass my driver's test? That episode is in my top 10 Hall of Shame moments. Especially the fact that we couldn't stop anywhere to apologize to the guy. I knew he was alright because of the expression on his face after he hit the bank. He might of been injured, but he still had A LOT of fight in him. Because of the giant snow banks, I just had to keep driving.
Don't worry, I'm a stellar driver now. Not one speeding ticket. Just a car accident where I turned left in the wrong lane and a car full of innocent old Mennonite women nailed my giant Chevy truck.
Any hoo....I digress...So we've checked out both, and neither of us can decide. Well...I like the spruced up Toyota Sienna because of girly things...neat steering wheel, nice little button to close the doors (no pulling on a handle), the seat just fits my tushie better. He, of course, is leaning toward the Odyssey because of more man-ly features...more horsepower for maintaining some sense of dignity and smoking past other mini vans on the highway, lots of buttons and gadgets, better navigation system.
On Friday, we buy it just in time to slap on headphones over our children's ears and hope for a quiet ride to the beach minus the irrate screaming baby confined to a car seat for 8 hours. But which one???? Perhaps the better question is which one would help our family survive if I ever manage to get back in Lancaster county and at the mercy of creepingly slow Amish buggys, snow banks, and other drivers like...myself.
I have to admit, the minivans are quite nice these days. They practically bake fresh bread. I just have a super aversion to them, as it was what I trained on for my driver's permit. And, yes, it was "my ride" if I was ever lucky enough to figure out more than 10 reasons why I needed to take the only family car and drive 30 minutes toward civilization.
It may also have something to do with the fact that on my way home from failing my driver's test, in my first a fit of road rage I thought I could pass a team of horses pulling an Amish buggy around a curve, closed in by 3-4 foot snow banks. I got side by side with the buggy, in time to see another driver hugging the corner a little too fast in the lane I was using to pass. Did I mention the snow banks? It could have been super ugly with horse flesh everywhere. Instead, I managed to gun it, with my mother helplessly screaming a prayer to God in the passenger seat, and the dude went into the snowbank to avoid collision. Aren't you thankful I didn't pass my driver's test? That episode is in my top 10 Hall of Shame moments. Especially the fact that we couldn't stop anywhere to apologize to the guy. I knew he was alright because of the expression on his face after he hit the bank. He might of been injured, but he still had A LOT of fight in him. Because of the giant snow banks, I just had to keep driving.
Don't worry, I'm a stellar driver now. Not one speeding ticket. Just a car accident where I turned left in the wrong lane and a car full of innocent old Mennonite women nailed my giant Chevy truck.
Any hoo....I digress...So we've checked out both, and neither of us can decide. Well...I like the spruced up Toyota Sienna because of girly things...neat steering wheel, nice little button to close the doors (no pulling on a handle), the seat just fits my tushie better. He, of course, is leaning toward the Odyssey because of more man-ly features...more horsepower for maintaining some sense of dignity and smoking past other mini vans on the highway, lots of buttons and gadgets, better navigation system.
On Friday, we buy it just in time to slap on headphones over our children's ears and hope for a quiet ride to the beach minus the irrate screaming baby confined to a car seat for 8 hours. But which one???? Perhaps the better question is which one would help our family survive if I ever manage to get back in Lancaster county and at the mercy of creepingly slow Amish buggys, snow banks, and other drivers like...myself.
Just Call This The Overly-Dramatic-Blog
"She's playing us like a fiddle."
That's what Ken said, after I brought Maggie home from the ultrasound, cooked up some chicken breast (recommended by the vet to encourage her to eat), and we watched her gobble it up.
Big fat booger.
Welp, one set of X-Rays, one ultrasound, and about $800 later, here is what we know: Maggie is healthy as a horse. The ultrasound found nothing. The X-Rays found nothing. No mass in the ultrasound. All her organs look great. The only place they couldn't ultrasound was the neck area. This is a concern as her symptoms of not eating and gulping may be a result of a tumor pressing in on her neck. So guess what...we'd need to do a CT Scan for that. HUH???
I want to scream and leap for joy. I have a healthy dog who has decided not to eat. She's boycotting something. But today I discover she's apparently not boycotting fresh cooked chicken.
FIDDLE PLAYER!!!!
Don't get me wrong. She's still acting miserable. I'm sure the hot spot has a lot to do with that. And the pills might have been annoying her stomach. And I suppose, to be fair, there is the remote possibility that a tumor might be burrowing against her esophagus. But she's eating delicious savory chicken bits.
Ken says she'll never eat real dog food again.
Those eyes can make it look like the world is going to end tomorrow. Apparently overly dramatic tendencies run in the family. That beach trip is sounding much better.
That's what Ken said, after I brought Maggie home from the ultrasound, cooked up some chicken breast (recommended by the vet to encourage her to eat), and we watched her gobble it up.
Big fat booger.
Welp, one set of X-Rays, one ultrasound, and about $800 later, here is what we know: Maggie is healthy as a horse. The ultrasound found nothing. The X-Rays found nothing. No mass in the ultrasound. All her organs look great. The only place they couldn't ultrasound was the neck area. This is a concern as her symptoms of not eating and gulping may be a result of a tumor pressing in on her neck. So guess what...we'd need to do a CT Scan for that. HUH???
I want to scream and leap for joy. I have a healthy dog who has decided not to eat. She's boycotting something. But today I discover she's apparently not boycotting fresh cooked chicken.
FIDDLE PLAYER!!!!
Don't get me wrong. She's still acting miserable. I'm sure the hot spot has a lot to do with that. And the pills might have been annoying her stomach. And I suppose, to be fair, there is the remote possibility that a tumor might be burrowing against her esophagus. But she's eating delicious savory chicken bits.
Ken says she'll never eat real dog food again.
Those eyes can make it look like the world is going to end tomorrow. Apparently overly dramatic tendencies run in the family. That beach trip is sounding much better.
Dog Gone Grief.
I hate this.
I've cried puddles nose to nose with my hurting dog for the last week as I have watched Maggie continue to slip down a slippery slope of one ailment after another. We're into our third week and things just keep getting worse. We went from ear infection, to the shakes, to not eating, to upset stomach, to labored breathing, to a nasty hot spot, to vomiting up water. She's eaten so very little in days. She won't take pills. She won't even take them if they are pulverized in a PBJ. She won't eat ice cream. She hasn't eaten even a whole can of dog food in what is probably almost a week. An eighth of a can maybe in a day.
Yesterday, I had an X-Ray done sure her lungs or some other organ would be riddled with cancer. To my relief, everything was clear, but the vet was concerned with her heart looking elevated. Her thoughts were perhaps a mass was lifting it. She noticed signs of pain in her spine. We scheduled an ultrasound to investigate the heart issue, and she sent me home with more "palatable" food she was sure Maggie would take to. No luck. Then last night I found a nasty huge hot spot on her tail (the only area not shaved) and rump. How could the vet miss that??? How did I miss that? It must have developed so quickly. Puss and everything. She was in so much pain when I tried to mend it.
After a 3:00am feeding with Faith, I heard Maggie gulping; trying to keep herself from puking. She was trembling (shivering?). All I could do was stroke her body, lay my robe over her, and try to get her to drink a little. She did. We just sat there. Together. Her cold nose in my lap. Trembling in the dark.
Today, I took her into her ultrasound. After just being at the vet yesterday, she did not want to come out of the car. I hugged her in the back seat and we had a long conversation. She with her eyes and her trembling, "Mommy, I don't want to go in again." And me trying to coax her that it was ok. I told her I would stay with her. But I was wrong. I had to drop her off. All I could do was walk her back, and feel like a traitor as I watched her get in a cage and look back at me.
Stupid grief.
Here's the worst: We're supposed to go on a very much needed two week vacation starting on Saturday. It has been planned for months. Maggie can't come. No dogs allowed. If it was just us, we'd cancel. But it is with both sides of the family. How can I leave her like this? How can I leave this on my sister-in-law's shoulders? There are so many levels of unfairness in this, I don't know where to start.
I have to keep my anger in check. I don't want to be the martyr. But I feel alone in my grief and helplessness. The children are clueless (thankfully). The baby doesn't stop her needs. And Ken has his stuff as we try to prepare to leave for a vacation I no longer want to take.
I've cried puddles nose to nose with my hurting dog for the last week as I have watched Maggie continue to slip down a slippery slope of one ailment after another. We're into our third week and things just keep getting worse. We went from ear infection, to the shakes, to not eating, to upset stomach, to labored breathing, to a nasty hot spot, to vomiting up water. She's eaten so very little in days. She won't take pills. She won't even take them if they are pulverized in a PBJ. She won't eat ice cream. She hasn't eaten even a whole can of dog food in what is probably almost a week. An eighth of a can maybe in a day.
Yesterday, I had an X-Ray done sure her lungs or some other organ would be riddled with cancer. To my relief, everything was clear, but the vet was concerned with her heart looking elevated. Her thoughts were perhaps a mass was lifting it. She noticed signs of pain in her spine. We scheduled an ultrasound to investigate the heart issue, and she sent me home with more "palatable" food she was sure Maggie would take to. No luck. Then last night I found a nasty huge hot spot on her tail (the only area not shaved) and rump. How could the vet miss that??? How did I miss that? It must have developed so quickly. Puss and everything. She was in so much pain when I tried to mend it.
After a 3:00am feeding with Faith, I heard Maggie gulping; trying to keep herself from puking. She was trembling (shivering?). All I could do was stroke her body, lay my robe over her, and try to get her to drink a little. She did. We just sat there. Together. Her cold nose in my lap. Trembling in the dark.
Today, I took her into her ultrasound. After just being at the vet yesterday, she did not want to come out of the car. I hugged her in the back seat and we had a long conversation. She with her eyes and her trembling, "Mommy, I don't want to go in again." And me trying to coax her that it was ok. I told her I would stay with her. But I was wrong. I had to drop her off. All I could do was walk her back, and feel like a traitor as I watched her get in a cage and look back at me.
Stupid grief.
Here's the worst: We're supposed to go on a very much needed two week vacation starting on Saturday. It has been planned for months. Maggie can't come. No dogs allowed. If it was just us, we'd cancel. But it is with both sides of the family. How can I leave her like this? How can I leave this on my sister-in-law's shoulders? There are so many levels of unfairness in this, I don't know where to start.
I have to keep my anger in check. I don't want to be the martyr. But I feel alone in my grief and helplessness. The children are clueless (thankfully). The baby doesn't stop her needs. And Ken has his stuff as we try to prepare to leave for a vacation I no longer want to take.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
What's Cool About Turning 4 Months?
What's Cool:
Everytime I smile, the entire world comes 2 feet closer.
What's Not Cool:
No matter how much I smile, the world is never close enough.
What's Cool:
Mom keeps giving me this neat new bottle with white stuff in it.
What's Not Cool:
She actually expects me to try drinking it every once and awhile so her and the big scruffy guy can go on a much needed date or something. None of that ma'am. I'm happy to amuse you with bottle playing, but I'm not going to actually drink that stuff. Just stick to that giant flesh ball thingy. That's much more fun to knead milk out of.
What's Cool:
I'm getting so, so, so much attention. This thing I've discovered called whining is really working for me.
What's Not Cool:
My parents are starting to call me not so endearing names. Things like, "Code Name: Squawker", "High Maintenance", and "Take-Her".
What's Cool:
This thing they call a "binky" is neat. It's working for me all of sudden.
What's Not Cool:
That boy. The crazy one who looks like he's ready to poke my eye out at any second, keeps shoving it in and out of my mouth like I'm a human slot machine. He scares me.
What's Cool:
Everybody wants to pick me up, and hold me.
What's Not Cool:
They pick me up and hold me. I can't help it..I start to act very uncool, and my bottom lip starts to do this quiver thing. It is very embarassing. Mom keeps calling it "stranger anxiety", whatever that is.
What's Cool:
I sleep from 7:30pm to 8:30am.
What's Not Cool:
I don't sleep during the day much. Why should I though? Nobody else takes naps in this house (except that cool fat face wash dog). Why do I have to? I'm four months old now. I don't need naps anymore Mom. Naps are for babies.
Three Band-Aids Later...
Well, I went to the dermatologist yesterday. It was a great relief to see that the office was well put together and "with it" technologically. The doctor was sweet, but brief. She took one quick look and said, "That's a cyst, and you can have it removed if you wish." And in her next sentence she said, "But that needs to come off dear", pointing to a group of two overlapping moles lower on my spine. After a full torso check she had located two other suspicious moles (a very dark flat one on my arm, and the same for my right shoulder). Next thing I knew, I was signing a consent form, and laying on my belly for a shave removal. They'll be tested, and results should be back to me in a week.
After all my belly aching over the giant cyst, it gets two seconds of attention, and instead, I'm walking out with a cyst still in place and three bandaids, covering locations where I should have been more concerned. I was in a daze driving home, trying to put it all together, think straight, and formulate a wise plan of action. I'm very grateful. A cyst is wonderful news to my ears. Of course the other three spots are not. This is where I see God's sense of humor play out. And his Fatherly love. He knows me so well. He knows I wasn't going to go anywhere near a dermatologist with those other spots that have been on my body for as long as I can remember. But start a giant harmless growth on her back...and that'll get her attention!
A good scare was good for me, minus the Pepto popping. Of course it isn't quite over until those results come in. I think it is time to start incorporating that yearly trip to a good standing dermatologist for both of us. My husband is very fair and has some spots that need to get checked out as well. I'll still get that second opinion, and get Ken in for an appointment too. That'll get us set to start and then I'll set up that next available appointment with the doctor everybody in our entire county seems to be seeing. A whole year out.
Get yourselves checked!!!!
After all my belly aching over the giant cyst, it gets two seconds of attention, and instead, I'm walking out with a cyst still in place and three bandaids, covering locations where I should have been more concerned. I was in a daze driving home, trying to put it all together, think straight, and formulate a wise plan of action. I'm very grateful. A cyst is wonderful news to my ears. Of course the other three spots are not. This is where I see God's sense of humor play out. And his Fatherly love. He knows me so well. He knows I wasn't going to go anywhere near a dermatologist with those other spots that have been on my body for as long as I can remember. But start a giant harmless growth on her back...and that'll get her attention!
A good scare was good for me, minus the Pepto popping. Of course it isn't quite over until those results come in. I think it is time to start incorporating that yearly trip to a good standing dermatologist for both of us. My husband is very fair and has some spots that need to get checked out as well. I'll still get that second opinion, and get Ken in for an appointment too. That'll get us set to start and then I'll set up that next available appointment with the doctor everybody in our entire county seems to be seeing. A whole year out.
Get yourselves checked!!!!
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